Weekend Stuff

S and E celebrated their 10th anniversary over the weekend, and renewed their vows. It was very emotional for everyone. Life has a way of reminding us that the good and the bad go together. Sometimes we need to look deeper and find the true meaning of love, even if it's different from what you once envisioned. It boggles my mind that they have been married for 10 years. I'm not sure where the time goes.


Today I looked at Edna, and I was sort of shocked. It seems she grew an inch over night. She is still a 4 1/2 month old kitten, but all the sudden she looks HUGE.

This frightens me for a few reasons:

1. She is very bossy.
2. There is more of her to brush. And we do not love the brushing.
3. She sleeps on my head or my pillow in some way or fashion. I have noticed I have less and less pillow.
4. She already sits as tall as Ivan. Ivan isn't a BIG cat, but I fear she will be much larger, and therefore the boss of him too.
5. She struts around the house like she owns the joint.

Luckily, she is nice and sweet and not too badly behaved for being a baby kitten.

What is Normal, Anyway?

I'm not sure what's normal anymore. Right now I seem to be in my own private hell. All the grieving I had been doing for Mom came to a complete stop at some point over the summer. Between Chris getting married and the stress of so many other things, I just put it away.

That's not to say I didn't think about Mom at all, because I did. Every single day, morning, noon and night. I just didn't move forward with the grieving.

Somewhere...about two weeks ago it just hit me. Hard. All these emotions, feelings, questions, and thoughts began racing again. It has been very overwhelming, and very sad. The void that is left without her is so very noticeable now. All the shock is gone. All that's left is the reality that she's never coming back. Ever.

I see acceptance on the horizon.

I wonder if celebrating holidays this year is appropriate. I wonder if she's angry with me for being so sad. I can still hear her answers to my questions. It's shit and it sucks. I have no idea how to express myself or let theses emotions come out in a normal way.

Happy Halloween!

Edna decided she would not be a princess this year.

5:06 am

And still awake. O_O

Shit

Since Saturday I have been experiencing pain and anxiety so out of control, that I'm freaked out about it. One or the other is doable!

I feel super isolated right now. I can't really leave the house, and I have so much on my mind. I wish I could find the off button.

I really, really need some sleep. Soon.

Mom, I miss you terribly. These last few days have been as hard as the first, and I don't know why. I just wish I could talk to you for a minute. I need your advice now more than ever. I wish I could rewind this last year. I'd do things so differently.

I wish I never had to feel that fucking lump on Shaun. I wish you hadn't died. I needed you. And I am so afraid of what's coming. Please give me some kind of sign that this will be ok. I'm not ok right now. I'm not.

I hope my Dad is secretly on his way because I need a Chunky Bear hug, like yesterday.

I want to go home to NY and sleep in my room and pretend everything is ok. Even though I know it's not. Maybe I could get some sleep there....

Yay! Insomnia!

Poor Edna. She did not want to get up!

No sleep for me. I just can't get comfortable, and it sucks. So while I wait to become comatose, I have been laughing my ass off here: Regretsy. Miss J sent me the link and I can't look away! I love Etsy, I buy stuff from Etsy all the time. The stuff at Regretsy is so bad, it's good!

I am also currently loving Wedinator. It's a fantastical place where weddings go very bad. Very, very bad.

Probably adding to my anxiety is this show I've been watching: Obsessed. A very gripping show about OCD. It's fascinating to watch and see glimpses of myself in some of these people. My switches and plugs don't seem so over the top anymore.

And here's a little Sesame Street song the my Mom and I used to like to sing. :D

One down...

One down...
Originally uploaded by weebsie

Nothing much going on today. I continue to take pain meds and knit.

Tired. Super tired.